English: Eat all you can, dont be shy... feel at home...
Tagalog: Kain lang kayo ng kain. Walang hiya kayo...pakiramdam nyo
bahay nyo ito!

----------------------------------------------------------


Guro: Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: ' Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw, Pepe, sino si Jose Rizal?
Pepe: Di ko rin po kilala.
Guro: Do niyo kilala si Jose Rizal?!
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po sa kabilang section siya!

----------------------------------------------------------

Paano humamon ng AWAY ang...BULAG? Magpakita kayo, mga duwag!
Paano humamon ng away ang DULING? Isa-isa lang kayo para patas ang laban!
Paano humamon ng away ang PILAY Patay kung patay! Walang Takbuhan!

----------------------------------------------------------

Bigo ka ba sa lav? Eto mga gud partner:
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba.
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan.
Bulag: Walang paki sa looks mo.
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words.
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!

----------------------------------------------------------

Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na bahala sa
ating mga anak. I love you....
Wife: He! Tumigil ka nga! Wala pang namamatay sa TULI!

----------------------------------------------------------


Frat Meeting
Leader: Pare balita ko bading ka daw, totoo ba?!
Ambo: Pare, Mga chismax lang yun galing sa mga chuvanes na walang
magawa sa mga chenilyn nila... chura nila! hmpf!

----------------------------------------------------------


Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy: Yun nga eh.. gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!


----------------------------------------------------------

Ano English ng "baka maswerte ako? Beef Lucky Me!
Ano ang "maswerte ako Inay?" Lucky Me Mami!
Ano ang "maswerte akong lalake?" Lucky Me with Egg!

----------------------------------------------------------



American guy named Paul challenged a Filipino:
American: Use my name 4 times in a sentence!
Pedro: Paul, be carePaul, you might Paul in the swimming Paul..

----------------------------------------------------------


Husband comes home 4AM and discovers his wife in bed with another
man.
His wife shouts at him: "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?!?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"

----------------------------------------------------------




Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang magkasama sa buhay,
lahat ng problema mo, problema ko...
Ano bang problema natin?
Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday. Tayo ang ama!

----------------------------------------------------------


Dan Torres from Bicol, TNT sa America...

Grocery Cashier: Visa or Master?
Dan: (kinabahan) Hanap Visa ko!
(Nagmadali sumakay sa kotse, but he need gas)
Gasoline Boy: Pay first..
Dan (nerbyos na nerbyos) Patay! Papers daw...
(runs to the booth to call home)
Operator: AT&T, can I help you?
Dan: (namutla): Alam na TNT ako!!
(Labas sya ng booth)
Kano: Are you done?
Dan(pawisan): Alam nila name ko?!
Kano: Tourist?
Dan: Apelyido rin?!
Kano: Be cool!
Dan: Pati Probinsya ko?!
(Hinimatay si Dan)

----------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Sino pumatay kay Magellan, may initial na LL?
Student: Lito Lapid?
Teacher: Inuulit ang pangalan nya...
Student: Lito Lito?
Teacher: Mahaba buhok nya!
Student: Lot Lot?
Teacher: Madami sila...
Student: Lot Lot and Friends?

----------------------------------------------------------

Three girls make paalam to their Dad...
Girl 1: Dad, I'm going out with Pete to Eat.
Girl 2: I'm going out with Lance to Dance.
Girl 3: I'm going out with Chuck to...
Dad: Ah, hinde! dito ka lang sa bahay!!!

----------------------------------------------------------



Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka GF?
Pare 1: OO pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis eh! Ngayon lang ako
nakalusot!

----------------------------------------------------------

Prospective Employer to Applicant: " So why did you leave your
previous job?"

Applicant: " The company relocated and they did not tell me where!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

baskug mig ah... :palakan

keep all your jokes coming rockon

Bwahahaha.... i like this one... este, two pala :bounce :lol:

A new British Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote
post in the African desert, during his first inspection of his new
outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the
Sergeant why the camel was kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well
sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post, and no women. And
sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel." The
Captain replied, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
urges, so the camel can stay."


About a month later, the Captain started having his own urges. Crazy with
passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a
ladder behind the camel, the Captain stood on the ladder, pulled his pants
down and had wild, insane sex with the camel.


When he was done, he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do
it?" "No, not really, sir...they usually just ride the camel into
town...where the women are.


indi gid sya ka pugong abi... hehehehe

hahahahaha!!

palagpat!!

sa camel nya ya ginpautwas!!

hahahaha!!

ayos!! :thumb:

Osama Bin Laden's latest message

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still
alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush and John Kerry
each the same letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was
still in the game.

They opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded
message: "S370HSSV-0773H"
Kerry was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to John Edwards.
Edwards and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the
Democratic National Committee.

Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Dick Cheney.
Cheney and his advisors had no clue either, so they sent it to the
Republican National Committee.

No one could solve it, so it went to the National Education
Association and then to MIT. Kerry sent it to Michael Dukakis who
then sent it to Teddy Kennedy. Bush sent his to the CIA &DIA, which
couldn't figure it out either.

Eventually they both asked Britain's MI6 for help. MI6 cabled back:

"Tell the President and the Presidential Hopeful that they are
looking at the message upside down."

hehehehehehe...

naisahan nila ni bin laden!!!

dugay na eh.....

amo gani nga narumpag ang twin towers...

hehehehe

more more more hehehe...

(wala macontribute e)

James Yap: Kris, ika-limang lalake ba ako sa buhay mo?
Kris Aquino: hindi ha, sa totoo lang....
THHHHHHHirty something na!


Q: Mrs, ilan anak niyo?
A: 6 na boys! Lahat pangalan LITO! para sigaw ko 1 name
tapos 6 agad ang lalapit!
Q: Pano kung 1 bata lang kailangan?
A: Tawagin ko apelyido nya!

Apo: LA, tinuod ba na "First love never dies?"
LOLA: Siyempre, tan-awa na imo LOLO,
palahubog kaayo first love na nakon,
asta karon, BUHI PA ANG ANIMAL!!!

mommy, do angels fly?
yes son, they do fly?
eh, bakit c yaya,
tawag ni Dad, "MY ANGEL",
d man sya fly?
son, ngayon din u wil see ur Yaya fly!!!


A large signboard says:
"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY."
Nakit-an sa hubog,
"So what? sin-o man ang nagdali?!!!"

TATAY: Bagsak na naman ka!Pareho tani ka
ni Pedro cgeg ka-honor!
JUAN: indi man sakto nga i-compare ko nimo
kay Pedro tay.
TATAY: ngaa man?
JUAN: Brayt man iya Tatay!!!

DAD: anak, bili mo ko softdrinx!
ANAK: Coke o Pepsi?
DAD: Coke
ANAK: Diet o regular?
DAD: Regular
ANAK: Bote o can?
DAD: Bote
ANAK: 8 oz o litro?
DAD: PUNYETA! tubig na lang!
ANAK: natural o mineral?
DAD: mineral
ANAK: bugnaw o dili?
DAD: lambusan ta man ka
aning silhig ron...
ANAK: lanot o tukog?
DAD: animal man cguro ka!
ANAK: baka o baboy?
DAD: LAYAS!!!!
ANAK: karon o ugma?
DAD: karon na!!!
ANAK: alas 11 o alas 12?
DAD: Yawa!!!
ANAK: lake o baye?
DAD: letche!!
ANAK: liquid o powder?
DAD: ang powder ilambos
sa imong dagway!
ANAK: sa agtang o guya



mapayuhom ko lng kamu lipay na ko..... ;) :P

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

katingala man mga alog di nga gakadlaw ko isahanon bah!!

indi man sila kakadlaw kay indi sila kaintsindi!!

hehehehe...

translate mo migs eh..

la-in man na ikaw lng gatawa sila ya gaka tingala sa imo

basi tawgan ka nila ambulance da..

heheheheheh :cheers:

JOKE.....!!!!

di na!!

mangabudlay pa ko translate ya!!

pabasa ko na lang sa mga tupvians di para may upod ko tawa!!

hahahahaha!!!

bwahahaha... mag amo sina ka pilosopo bata mo, maminsar ka guro liwat kung madugang ka pa no?

pero mig, utoy-utoy gid ko... tawa ko sa logic sang 6 kids named LITO hehehe

asta subong migs sige pa lalis nila nga duwa....

ginbayaan ko na lng sila kay laba na kaayo

kon ipost ko dre tanan basi indi mag-igo^

hehehehe :woot: :palakan

isa na guro sa mga ginalalisan nga wala sang katapusan mig!!

hahahahaha!!!

basi indi tood kaigo di!!

migo rasta, post mo di ang una nga panupo ka baby mo ha hehehe...

hahahahahahaha!!!

tilawan nya eh!!!


indi na pwede sa akon mig ya...

basic discipline lang...

bwehehehehe....

bwahahaha... lain gid man mangin tatay ilonggo ah... :D

During his recent visit to England, George W. Bush met with the Queen.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient
government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowned. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."

To demonstrate, the Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send
Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room. "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered," That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen, turning to Bush with a smile.

Back at the White House, Bush asked to speak with Vice President Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said the vice president. "Let me get back to you on
that one."

Dick Cheney went to his advisors, and then to Rumsfeld, and asked every
one, but none gave him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's
room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney
shouted, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a
child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin
Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney went back to the Oval Office and
to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to
that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Bush got up, stomps over to Dick
Cheney, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony
Blair!"

waaaaa.... hahahhahaahha

perti ka baghak sa iya bah....

tsismoso pa hohhohooohohohoho


:woot: :veryfunny: :0wn3d

hehehe.. ngaa, sala^ siya migs haw? dw insakto man?

waheheehe

Nksakay k sa dyip nang bigla kang nautot! buti n lng mlakas ang tugtog!! kya umutot k lng ng umutot! pagbaba mo sa dyip tinginan lahat sau!! un pla nakawalkman k lng !! haha!kornix


PEDRO:nanay! muntik na akong maging 1st honor sa amin! NANAY:sayang! pwede na naman 2nd honor eh. PEDRO:di po kse katabi ko po ung naging 1st honor,kala ko nga ako na eh NANAY:nyek


~~~ Lasing na lasing si Tulume at tiniti-tigan ang laman sa kamay habang nakaupo sa bar.May pumasok na nakabarong na lalaki at scientist daw siya. Tinabihan si Tulume at nag-order ng martini. Hindi nakapagtimpi ang scientist at tinanong si Tulume, " Kung di mo ikagagalit, napansin kong kanina mo pa tiniti-tigan ang nasa kamay mo, ano ba yan?".....Sagot ni Tulume," Parang plastic at parang rubber din kung pisilin mo."......Tanong ng scientist,"Pwede ko bang tignan at baka pwede kong sabihin sa iyo kung ano yan?"......Kinuha ng scientist ang laman sa kamay ni Tulume at inik-samen.....pinisil pisil niya at inamoy pa.....Sabi niya, " Mukha ngang rubber, pero di ako sigurado kung ano ito, saan ba ito galing?"......sagot ni Tulume, " Sa ilong ko !"~~~


Sabi ng bagong datin sa kapatid niya (location: New York)...Kuya, pahingi nga ng $20. Manonood ako ng sine. Sagot ni kuya, bakit $20 eh $14 lang and sine. Sagot ng bagito: and $6 pambili ng plis.Nalilito si kuya: Plis!!! anong plis??Proud na bagito: ano pa kung hindi iyong para makasakay ako sa subway.ebri taym naririnig ko pag may bumibili, Two Plis o kaya Four Plis!!! (Token pala).

old school pero nakayuhum man ko gyapon... :thumb:

hehehehehehe...

BERLIN, Germany (Reuters) -- A 21-year-old German tourist who wanted to visit his girlfriend in the Australian metropolis Sydney landed 13,000 kilometers (8,077 miles) away near Sidney, Montana, after mistyping his destination on a flight booking Web site.

Dressed for the Australian summer in T-shirt and shorts, Tobi Gutt left Germany on Saturday for a four-week holiday.

Instead of arriving "down under", Gutt found himself on a different continent and bound for the chilly state of Montana.

"I did wonder but I didn't want to say anything," Gutt told the Bild newspaper. "I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the United States."

Gutt's airline ticket routed him via the U.S. city of Portland, Oregon, to Billings, Montana. Only as he was about to board a commuter flight to Sidney -- an oil town of about 5,000 people -- did he realize his mistake.

The hapless tourist, who had only a thin jacket to keep out the winter cold, spent three days in Billings airport before he was able to buy a new ticket to Australia with 600 euros in cash that his parents and friends sent over from Germany.

"I didn't notice the mistake as my son is usually good with computers," his mother, Sabine, told Reuters.



nakakadlaw gid ko sa comment sang nanay :D

hhehehehe. :D :lol: :D

hehehehehehe....

old joke but still funny.... :palakan

baskog pa gid gyapon mga old jokes ah!!! :thumb:

tunto nga pari ay!!!

hehehehehe....

mas tonto ang katotobo kay kanding pa gid iya...

:D :lol: :D

pero joke lng man ah indi man tood........

hehehehehehe

Narito ang isang kwento ng pag-ibig na tunay na naganap sa dalawang nilalang na pinagtagpo ng kapalaran. subalit dahil sa complikasyon at proteksyon ng mga tauhan, minabuti na huwag na silang bigyang pangalan.


***

Isang gabi, naglalakad ang isang lalaki sa may tulay nang may Makita siyang babaeng nasa taas ng gilid nito at magtatangkang magpatiwakal.



"Huwag," sigaw ng lalaki. At sa kabutihang palad ay nakumbinsi ang babae at siya'y bumaba.



Lalaki: Ano bang problema mo't naiisipan mong gawin yan.



Babae: Kasi, iniwan ako ng boypren ko't sumama
sa ibang babae.



Lalaki: Miss, ganyan din ang problema ko pero di
ko inisip na magpakamatay.



Babae: So, anong gagawin natin?



Nag-isip sandali ang lalaki at sinabi...



Lalaki: Kung gusto mo, maghiganti tayo sa kanila.



Babae: Paanong paghihiganti?


Lalaki: Alam mo na ang ibig kong sabihin...(sabay
kindat sa babae na nakuha naman ni babae ang
parinig na yon)


Maya maya'y nasa isang kuwarto na sila ng motel
at nangyari na nga ang 'di dapat mangyari....Nang
makaraos si lalaki, nagsindi siya ng yosi. Nang
halos filter na lang ay biglang nagsabi si babae....


Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo.


Medyo pagod, pero pinagbigyan uli niya ang
request ni babae. Nang makaraos uli, nagsindi uli
si lalaki ng yosi. Nasa kalahati pa lang ang yosi
nang...


Babae: Maghiganti uli tayo.


Medyo nangangatog na ang mga tuhod pero dahil
sa hilig, muling pinagbigyan niya si babae. Muling
nakaraos ang dalawa. Nagsindi uli si lalaki ng
yosi. Unang hitit pa lang niya ay...


Babae: Ganti uli tayo.


Talagang lupaypay na si manoy niya pero para
huwag mapahiya ay muling pinagbigyan niya ang
kahilingan ng babae. Pagkatapos kumuha siya ng
yosi. Sisindihan pa lang nang biglang...


Babae: Ganti uli tayo.


Lalaki: (Pagod na) TANG I-N-A MO , PATAWARIN
NA NATIN SILA!!!!



***kwentong EBS!***
Message: EBS NA MULTO - ang tipo ng ebs na pakiramdam
mo lumabas na sa puwet mo pero pagtingin mo sa
inidoro wala naman.


EBS NA MALINIS - ang tipo ng ebs na lumabas,
nakita mo sa inidoro, pero wala sa tissue.


BASANG EBS - ang tipo ng ebs kung saan
napunasan mo na ng 50 beses ang puwet mo pero
pakiramdam mo meron pa rin. kaya ang ginagawa
mo ay maglagay ng tissue sa pagitan ng puwet
mo para di matagusan ang pantalon mo.



EBS THE SECOND TIME AROUND - tapos ka
nang umebs, nasuot mo na ang panty o brief mo
tapos mararamdaman mong there's more to
come....


EBS NA PAMPUTOK LITID - ebs na kulang na
lang ay mapatid ang litid mo sa kakairi.


EBS ALA SHARON CUNETA - sa dami ng ebs
mo, mangangayayat kang talaga.


EBS ALA ANTONIO SABATO - ebs na sobrang
laki at haba na nakatatakot na i-flush dahil baka
maputol.


EBS NA MAINGAY - ang ebs na napakaingay ng
pagbulusok sa inidoro na lahat ng nakakarinig ay
natatawa.


EBS ALA MAIS - lam mo na to eh. don't tell me di
ka pa umebs ng ganito.


MAHANGING EBS - ang tipo kung saan gusto mo
umebs pero puro utot lang ang lumalabas.


EBS NA ECTOPIC - ebs na ang hirap ilabas,
feeling mo pahalang siya kung lumabas.


BASA ANG PISNGI MO EBS - ang tipo ng ebs na
sa sobrang bilis lumabas eh tumalsik ang tubig sa
pisngi ng puwet mo.


ARISTOKRATANG EBS - taong feeling niya ay
walang amoy ang ebs niya.


EBS NA AYAW MWALA - ang ebs na
nakakailang flush ka na pero meron at meron pa
rin maliit na bilog na ebs na lumulutang.


WRONG TIMING EBS - tipo ng ebs na di na panira
ng timing. halimbawa, nasa party ka, o may
outing, o kaya ay presentation o exam tapos bigla
ka na lang matatae. actually, uutot ka pero
sumasama na siya. kaya kung maglakad ka para
kang tanga.


WON;T LET GO EBS - ang ebs na matindi ang
kapit at ayaw malaglag kahit umiri ka na nang
umiri at igalaw-galaw mo pa ang puwet mo.


TAGUANG PONG EBS - ebs na lalabas, papasok,
lalabas, papasok uli, lalabas....


EBS NG KUNEHO - ebs na maliliit na bilog na
walang tigil sa kakalabas. ****gil ka na lang sa
kakaebs kasi bored ka na at ang tagal mo nang
nakaupo sa inidoro.


***************************************************************************************


TaO LaNg!!!


Melanie Marquez, during her guesting at The Buzz: I have a film with Alec BALDWIN, and DIRECTOR by Romy Suzara...(it's BOVICK, Melanie, bigatin ka na pala at Hollywood star na ang co-star mo, and yes, it's Supposed to be DIRECTED BY..)


Katya Santos, on the controversial Viva Hot Babes VCD: Eighteen year old ABOVE and PATAAS lang ang pwedeng makabili nitong VCD. (So kung 17 below and pababa, hindi pwede, di ba?)


Heart Evangelista, reading a letter request at Myx: Dear Heart, I'd like to request the song blah blah... Of course, we will grant your
request. You know, everything is possible.
Well, yes, everything is possible...WITH GOD!!!


Boy Abunda, interviewing "Ssshhh...She Walks By Night" star Belinda Bright
Boy: Belinda, what is this movie about?
Belinda: It's actually a Film Mwah!
Boy: Pardon me?
Belinda: A Film Mwah, we consider it a film, not a movie.
Boy: Ano ulit yun, iha?
Belinda: A Film.. mmm.. it's an Art Film.
(Film Noir, Belinda, and to think you are Bright!)


(interview) Master Showman on 98 degrees:
Kuya Germs: So what can you say about the Filipinas?
Someone from 98 degrees: Ah, they're all pretty. Really lovely and kind.
Kuya Germs: Well, have you made love to a Filipina?
tsk...tsk...what a shame!


Master Showman on Judy Ann Santos:
Kuya Germs: Salamat at pinaunlakan mo kami Juday. Dahil dyan, may ibibigay kami sa iyo courtesy of video city. Ito ay...aircon?! Aircon!
Juday: (luwal ang mga mata) Talaga?! Salamat po.
Kuya Germs: Ay...Con Air pala. Isang vhs tape ng Con Air



Kris Aquino - Danilo Barrios
Kris Aquino: i heard sa france based ang father mo ngayon?
Danilo Barrios: hindi po. sa Paris.
Kris Aquino: so you're a vegetarian?
Danilo Barrios: opo. kumakain din ako ng meat.


Vina Morales, announcing the winners of ASAP's Clash Dance:
It's a tie-breaker! lolz!


Host: What is your favorite feature?
Calendar Girl: My favorite feature is my graduation feature!
(Todo explain pa siya na kesyo maganda daw siya dun kasi naka-make up siya...)
ah...so she thought the question was...what is her favorite "fektyur" hihihihi!

eto, isa sa peyborit quotes ko mula sa napanood kong Grand Finals
ng She's Got the Look dati sa Eat Bulaga:
Vic: Contestant Number ---, eto yung question mo: "What is your guiding principle in life?"
Contestant: Hmm.. guiding principle?
Vic: Oo, guiding principle, kumabaga motto, something na pinaniniwalaan mo.
Contestant: Hmm .. (halatang tensed na).. guiding principle.. my guiding principle is.. hmm.. ahh.. ahh..
Vic (grand finals kaya ayaw niya mamahiya): Para siyang motto.. like "Time is Go.." (sabay putol nung contestant)
Contestant: Ahh.. my guiding principle in life is "Time is Gold. Thank you!"


ito, nung Bb. Pilipinas host: how did you develop your love for horseback riding?
contestant: when I first went to Tagaytay, I ride a horse and the horse thrilled me!
(hmmmm... bakit parang iba meaning?)


Host: You're doing well as a singer in clubs. What's your next ambition?
Guest: Gusto ko pong magkaroon ng recording album! (Recording na, album pa?)


Host: What don't you like about (name of starlet) ba?
Guest: She's too reactionary!
Host: What do you mean?
Guest: React siya ng react!


anyway, si melanie marquez pa rin habang iniinterview ni boy
abunda:
boy: melanie, anung masasabi mo sa mga lumalabas na tsismis na hindi ka lang daw drug addict, drug pusher ka pa?
melanie: they are all liars! tingnan nyo nga ako, ang payat-payat ko, i am a model! (tsk tsk.. mukha ka ngang high! )


angela velez announcing the famas winner..
Angela: And the Famas Goes through...
aleck bovic's reaction sa mga di makapaniwala sa pagkabest actress
nya..
aleck: di ko na po papansinin yung mga negatives puro positives na lang po..


dati ko pa ito napanood sa eat bulaga, sa feeling pogi yata: tinanong yung guy kung anong gift nya sa girl na gusto nya, ang sagot nya ay 'top toy'\ (stuffed toy), tawa ng tawa si gladys kaya pinaulit yung sagot, 'top toy' pa rin ang sabi nung guy, as in parang wala syang clue na mali sya


Inez Veneracion: "I am a one woman man!" (hell, she's a man! )


New Year's presentation ng See True:
Ate Luds: O sige ano na ang inyong prediction para kay Stella Strada?
Madam Auring: Lalo siyang sisikat sa darating na taon at malalampasan niya ang kasikatan ni Alma Moreno!
Kinabukasan, HEADLINE: STELLA STRADA COMMITS SUICIDE!


Joe Cantada: So Atoy, what are your prospects now,mukhang makakayanan kayo ng Toyota this coming semi-finals round...
Atoy Co: Well Joe, the ball is around! (naghanap tuloy ng bola si Joe)


RITA GOMEZ AS A JUDGE IN A BB.PILIPINAS PAGEANT,ASKING A CANDIDATE A QUESTION DURING THE Q AND A (CANDIDATE INCIDENTALLY IS MARIA ISABEL LOPEZ)
RITA: Here's your question,hija: Are you still a virgin?
MARIA ISABEL: If I say I still am, can I bring home the crown tonight?
RITA: Good answer!
MARIA ISABEL: What about you Ma'am, are you still a virgin?
RITA: Hija I have 5 children with 5 different fathers,what do you call that, Immaculate Conception???


VILMA SANTOS: Ang ganda ng gospel number na yon,napaka-enlighting.Teka magpupunas lang ako, I'm sweatening.


HOST: What\'s the latest in international show biz news?
Co-host: Whitney Houston has just signed a $100 M recording contract!
Host: Wow, that's really huge. Do you think she deserves it?
Co-host: She does! After all, in the course of her career, Whitney has sold more than 140 albums!
(Huh?!)

Host: Do you see what I'm holding in my hand?
Co-host: What is it?
Host: It's the new P10 coin.
Co-host: Hey, how about that? - what are its features?
Host: Well, it has Mabini or Andres Bonifacio on the cover.
(The coin has a cover?)


Host: Our next sports feature is unique. It's about a new and funny kind of race.
Co-host: What's new about it?
Host: It's a race in which the racers are riding landmowers!
(What in the world is a landmower? - Oh, you mean lawnmower.)


Host: Your best friend is involved in a controversy right now.
What do you want to tell him, to show your support?
Starlet: Pare, kaya mo 'yan. At, pag kailangan mo ng tulong, anytime, alam mo naman, andyan lang naman ako, I'll just right by!
(Wheee!)


Host: What has happened to you after you came out with your accusations?
Guest: I have received death letters!
(Geez, what in the world are death letters?!)

Host: Now that you have answered your opponent's charges, what happens now?
Guest: Now the ball is in the court!
(Huh? ano raw?)


sexy star1: i'm half filipina, half spanish, and half chinese
(ano yun, 1 1/2?)

sexy star2: the show was very success!

sa SHARON, tinanong niya si Diane de la fuente
Sharon: nung nag-secret wedding kayo alam ba ng parents mo?
hehehe!


Tinanong one time si Angelika Jones kung ano role nya sa isang sitcom na gagawin nya sa channel 2.. sabi nya medyo kikay daw sya d2 pero nde naman Over O-A.
(so meaning, nde naman OVER Over Acting? )


Si Candy Allyson naman pag tumalon naman daw sya sa San Juanico Bridge kailangan nya ng Life Best para safe.
(Life Best pala tawag dun...kala ko Life Vest!) mali pala akala ko! hehehehe!


Isang Viva HotBabe sabi nya proud daw sya kasi napasama sya sa 100 Sixtiest Woman!.


HOST: Why did you separate from your husband?
Guest: I realized that I did not really love him.
Host: Did you love him when you accepted his proposal for you to marry him?
Guest: Not also.
Host: So, why did you agree to marry him?
Guest: He pressurized me to do it!
(Ay, pressurized!)


Host: What did you have for breakfast today?
Guest: Tinapay.
Host: Ano'ng palaman ng tinapay?
Guest: Juice.
(Palaman, hindi panulak . . . BADTRIP!!!!)


letter sender: vj heart you are so charming and u are my favorite vj!
vj heart: also you are!
(what the?!! did she finish school?)


ito sobrang tagal na to. sa martin late at night. guest si vina morales.
martin: vina, ganda naman ng damit mo. ritratto?
vina: sige, pa-picture tayo!


NeVeR AsK A WoMaN

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends
house for a play date. "Mommy," the little
girl asks, "how old are you?"

The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not
supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns.



"Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal
questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks,
"Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated
mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.


"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything,"
the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need
to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks,
"How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heavens name did you find that out?"


The little girl continues on triumphantly,
"And...I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?"

To which the girl replies,
"Because you got an F in sex."
[B][/B]

hehehehehehe...

ayos batch ah!!!

gintipon mo gid da tanan mo nga mga jokes bah!!

hehehehehhe...

hahaha... daw panuhuton ko sa tawa sa EBS :D kag sa mga bloopers sang mga artista. :))

hahahahahaha!!!

huya-huya pa sya eh!!! :bleh:

Apat na uri ng pala-utot:

1. MAPAGKUNWARI - uutot ng tahimik at pagkatapos ay aastang inosente, mambibintang pa!
2. MAHIYAIN - uutot ng mahina tapos ngingiti.
3. MAYABANG - uutot ng malakas, tapos parang balewala sa kanya na narinig ng lahat ang utot niya!
4. MALAS - susubukang umutot pero TAE ang lumabas

:naughty:

anu paang pinakamasaklap sa nakita mo
na ang kinakain mong mansanas ay may uod??????????














kapag nakita mo na ung uod ay kalahati na!!!!1



*sick

n0. 3 ko mig!!!!

hahahahahahahaha!!!

pro sa balay lang man ah!!

hehehehehehe...

hahaha praktison ko man ang no.3 mig ah :lol: